When death bestows you your life becomes that moment. You become immobilised and time stops forever. Time is non-existent; you are paralysed and forever soaked in a wet shroud stained with tears. There is no on/off button to cease the pain you feel, it remains there in the pit of your stomach, in the core of your heart, it just sits there with no place to go.
You may catch glimpses of your former self, perhaps a smile as you reminisce about better times. You are instantly reminded that your grief is now part of your identity. It invites itself into your dreams, it is the sugar in your morning coffee, it is in the perfume you spray or cologne you wear to cover the smell of sorrow, it is the faceless people you pass on the street, it is the demon that taunts you and reminds you of the joy that once was. Some days you feel like your grieving is never leaving.
Your grief is like the clouds in the sky that form many unusual and intangible shapes. You may look up one day and the clouds have all gone away, you feel like your old self again and you admire what you see. This former self is only a remnant of what life looks like before grief, it reminds you that there is now a crack that cannot be concealed.
You try to pack away your grief and ship it away to a far, remote destination but it always finds its way back to you. There is no one-way passage; it is a guaranteed return on a first class flight back home to you. This grieving is never leaving.
You soak yourself in a warm bath and hope to cleanse this grief from the core of your pores but it is too late now, it cannot be removed, it is forever stained onto your flesh and no cleanser can remove this grief. This grieving is never leaving.
At night at the end of every day when you tuck yourself away be reminded that your grief is leaving you for a little while as you close your eyes and dream away. Imagine it far away on a one-way plane; visualise it on the bottom of the ocean or sitting on the highest mountaintop. Kiss it good-bye and wish it away for a little while. Now feel your loved one near, feel their heartbeat and hold their hand. Your grief cannot take away your memories from you; you are the director of this screenplay. Memories will outweigh the heaviness of your sorrows and accompany you wherever you may go. If your grief ever leaves kiss it good-bye for it will come back after a little while. Don’t be fooled by its absence as it lives deep in your heart – It doesn’t have to be forever though – My grief is leaving because I have suffered enough… I choose to ‘let it go’.
Poem written by: Janice Butera